Let's conduct a contest and listen to four straight hours of country radio. Oh, you don't want to? Fine, I'll do it.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to keep track of the shittiest songs I hear on this particular morning show, from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. We'll pair off the winners and determine the worst song of the day.
* I should mention that "Boys Round Here" played about 5 minutes before 6 o'clock, so it technically doesn't count. I guarantee I will hear it again during the morning show, however. Probably twice.
Let's begin!
6 a.m.- 7 a.m.
- Hour opened with Jake Owen and Lady A. Representative of the sissified garbage that gets played on mainstream radio, but I assume there will be worse stuff coming.
- Of course I was right. Just prior to 6:20 I heard"Get Your Shine On" from brain-damaged gigolo duo Florida Georgia Line. FGL is some of the worst shit going right now and will be difficult to dislodge from the top spot this hour. I expect them to be high in the running for "Most Terrible Song I Heard Today" once it is all said and done as well.
- Wow, the six o'clock hour fills out nicely, or terribly rather, with some of the heaviest hitters in Shit Country making appearances. Brantley Gilbert "More Than Miles" and Luke Bryan "All My Friends Say" played within five minutes of each other to close out the hour. Kenny Chesney, whom I've despised since the late 90s, also popped up. It was "Ain't Back Yet." Had it been one of Kenny's more atrocious beach-themed hits, he might have challenged FGL.
Moreover, Gilbert and Bryan both have songs I hate more than what I heard, so I'm awarding the "Worst of" to FGL. Congratulations, fuckfaces. You advance to the next round.
- Actual "good" highlights of the 6 a.m. hour included George Strait. And that's it. Gary Allan played too, but it wasn't particularly good Gary Allan. Still, I suppose in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.
7 a.m.- 8 a.m.
- This hour out of the gates strong with "Banjo" by Rascal Flatts. Gary and the two not-Garys probably deserve a lifetime achievement award, they've been keeping it shitty since way back.
It's hard to see Rascal holding on to the top spot for the rest of the hour, not with the current state of country music. But what the heck, I'll award them front-runner status in recognition of their service in making country radio unlistenable.
- Tim McGraw's "Highway Don't Care" is not a very good song, but compared to "Truck Yeah" it sounds like "He Stopped Loving Her Today."
- I can remember a time when Brad Paisley was the balls. This is guy who recorded "Whiskey Lullaby," right? I didn't imagine that? "Welcome to the Future" played at 7:25, and every time I hear a crappy Paisley tune it makes me sad. It isn't any better than "Banjo" so I guess those two are in a dead heat. I suspect, however, that a thoroughbred shit-slinger will show up in the second half of the hour and bury them.
- Proof that it can always get worse on country radio, Kip Moore "Something 'Bout a Truck" rides in and blasts Rascal Flatts and Brad Paisley up a few notches. Kip Moore is among my least favorite "Pussy Outlaws." His songs aren't as bad as, say, Justin Moore, but I'll tell you what I hate the most about him... it's that stupid affect he puts on his voice. I suppose I should thank him, though. Until I heard that song I had no idea that pickup trucks make redneck panties drop. Someone should do more songs about that.
- Hour closes with douchey garbage from Blake Shelton and Charlie Worsham, but nobody is touching Kip. "Sure Be Cool if You Did" is really bad, though.
8 a.m.- 9 a.m.
- Good God! Look at this one-two punch: "Backwoods" by lil' Justin Moore rolls into "1994" by he-who-shall-not-be-named.
These two songs are the best examples of what is wrong, not only with "country" music, but also humanity in general. They just spit in the face of your intelligence. If cavemen grunting out the first precursors of spoken language could have gazed into the future and seen how Mr. Moore and Hillbilly Satan would one day defile their work, I am positive they would have stuck to communicating via symbols scrawled on walls with poop.
How do you decide between the two? Do you want cancer or AIDS? Justin Moore is at least singing in "Backwoods," and it isn't quite his worst song (that would be "Bait a Hook") so "1994" it is.
- Man you know the shit is stacked 10 feet high when "Pirate Flag" doesn't even warrant consideration as the worst song played this hour.
The following is an open letter to Kenny: Hey, hope things are going good. Even though you are short and bald and from Tennessee, you are very rich so I'm sure things are at least alright. Anyways, this beach shit was stupid the very first time you did it. The very first time. And how often have you kept going back to it? Stop. Stop making music. I've seen "Pirate Flag" referred to as a Tom Petty ripoff. That's pretty generous. This is more like a song the sentient pimple on Tom Petty's taint would make.
You got lucky this hour, Kenny.
9 a.m.- 10 a.m.
- This hour lacked the bullshit superstars that 8 o'clock had but it was consistently bad throughout. "Cruise" from Florida Georgia Line is insulting and terrible, but FGL already has their spot in the semis.
It's hard for me to get worked into the rage-lather I used to over Taylor Swift. I think I've been worn down on that front, so while "Teardrops on my Guitar" is weak sauce, it probably isn't the worst of this bunch. More beach bullshit from Kenny Chesney, this time "When the Sun Goes Down." I'm tempted to advance him based on my lingering disgust from having to listen to Pirate Flag for the 10,000th time. But no, this hour's pretty clear-cut winner is Luke Bryan with "Crash My Party."
I look at him as a man making music a woman should make. He is also fuckin' five years older than I am yet he's running around in glitter jeans making spring break albums. If I were to behave that way, at 31, that would be the most pathetic thing anyone had ever seen. So what does that say about him?
Alright, the match-ups are set. We'll pit the 6 o'clock hour against the 9, and 7 against 8.
"Get Your Shine On" FGL vs "Crash My Party" Luke Bryan
Six versus 9 is actually a damn tough call. I'm having a difficult time deciding whether I hate "Get Your Shine On" more or less than "Crash My Party." I think I'll go with FGL. Luke Bryan is an utter turd, but he needs to go back to shaking it for the birds and squirrels if he wants to have the worst song in four hours of country radio.
"Something 'Bout a Truck" Kip Moore vs "1994" Country Music Nero
In the 7 vs 8 match-up, well, this is a massacre. As douchey as Kip Moore's Thursday-night-Karaoke vocals are, "1994" is a plague from hell.
Finals- "Shine" vs "1994"
If we lived in a world where Florida Georgia Line was the worst thing about country music, that would still really suck. But we don't.
"1994" is the worst song I heard this morning. "1994" is the worst song I've heard all year. It's one of the truly worst songs ever recorded.
I have spoken. CHEWTOBACCACHEWTOBACCACHEWTOBACCASPIT
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